


Love Like A Phoenix Born of Ash

by Akan_Abrun



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Pre-Slash, Protective Spock, Scared Leonard, Slash, Swear it's better than the summary suggests, bit of PTSD, slow
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-08
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-08-13 20:02:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7984363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akan_Abrun/pseuds/Akan_Abrun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A peaceful visit turns into a mass genocide where Leonard, Spock, Scotty, Christine Chapel, and other security officers are the landing party. Everyone dies except for Leonard, who is left alone and emotionally horrified on the planet.</p><p>However, he soon finds the only other survivor of the genocide. (Spoiler: It's Spock!)</p><p>Will their relationship grow after they are rescued by the Enterprise? Or will any remnant of it disappear forever?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. So Shall The Fires Burn

**Author's Note:**

> Taking a break from my other Spones fanfic to satisfy my darker feelings. This'll have a lot of hurt, vulnerable Leonard with Spock helping him regain control over his life. I hope you give it a chance, and I hope you like!

Leonard pulled himself out from under several mangled bodies that had pummeled him during the heavy explosion. He peeled an arm off of his chest that had stuck to him by way of burnt skin and sticky blood. By the time Leonard was standing up amongst the plain of his fellow officers, he immediately collapsed to his hands and knees and retched on the ground. He was the only one alive. The field of bodies stretched an endless distance. Those nearby officers must have shielded Leonard from the explosions that hit the planet surface. Was it worth their deaths so that he may live? Why him?

He searched the sky. The ships were gone. The Enterprise was nowhere in sight. He searched the horizon. No one was alive for miles. The bombs took out the village, the civilians, and the group of Starfleet officers that beamed down. That group consisted of Leonard, Scotty, Nurse Chapel, a few security officers, and Spock. Spock... if anyone could have survived this it would have been him. It should have been him. But instead it was Leonard. Leonard, who hated the galaxy and was useless on his own. Who always feared living alone, despite his constant isolation on the ship.

Leonard knew that he wouldn't be able to make it long on this planet. The air was starved of oxygen and the climate was hotter than Vulcan. Vulcan! His thoughts kept leaping to his friends that died, even if Spock was hardly a friend. No, he needed to get it together. Leonard needed to leave this place. He was out of breath by the time he stood up. At the same time he wanted to search the wreckage for his fellow fallen officers, he also wanted to get the hell out of there. He looked around again, breathing deeply despite the thick smells of burnt flesh and smoke in the air. He had to find their bodies at least.

Leonard didn't know when the tears started dropping off his chin. Maybe it was when he couldn't decipher the identities of any of the bodies. Maybe it was when a cluster of half-melted blond hair flew into his face. Maybe it was when he realized that he really was alone here. He didn't know where the bodies of his friends were, and if he did he wouldn't be able to tell it was them. All the corpses on the ground were burnt and melted heaps of rotting flesh; Leonard wouldn't be able to identify any of them if he tried. And he did try.

By the time he gave up, he was choking back sobs as he pushed the thoughts of his dead friends out of his mind. But he just couldn't. They were just visiting on a peaceful planet in the neutral zone with friendly people for a routine checkup. The environment was nice, the people had a beautiful and welcoming culture, and they had progressed so far since their discovery. That was, of course, before a neighboring system defecated their massive bombs all over the planet. Which effectively wiped out their entire damn species. The Enterprise no doubt tried to attack the offenders, but probably had to flee due to the vast number of enemy ships.

They weren't coming back for him. He would be presumed dead, just like the others, and he would be left alone to die here.

Leonard still couldn't believe that his friends were dead. Scotty was his drinking buddy. His philosophizing buddy. His poker buddy. Montgomery Scott was just his buddy for so many things... And now he was gone. Along with Christine. His right hand and best assistant. She was going to become a surgeon within the next year. He had agreed to help her with her studies and practices so that she could get her degree quicker. They even used to go to dinner back in the day. They were great friends.

And Spock... Tears fell more swiftly at the thought, and he sniffed harshly. He cursed himself for being so emotional, but he remembered he was all alone on a dead planet with no hope of return back to normal life. For once he missed space. He missed his friends. Missed fussing over Jim's bad life choices and yammering at Spock's logicality.

Leonard had some complicated feelings regarding the Vulcan. It was only days ago when they physically ran into each other when rounding a corner, and Leonard felt things he couldn't explain. His face flushed hot, his heart pounded in his chest, and he stammered and stuttered like an idiot before grunting out an apology and all but running away. He knew then that he cared for the hobgoblin much more than he had ever anticipated. He had no idea how it started or when, only that his strong feelings for Spock existed. Maybe he didn't hate the guy after all.

Not like it mattered at this point anyway. Spock was gone. Everyone was gone. Leonard's sanity was fleeting. He needed to head for the forest. It was the only thing still standing besides Leonard, and it was his only hope for shelter, water, and food. If he was lucky then it might have those things. With his luck, though, he'll probably find no more than a rotten piece of fruit in the dirt.

\------

Leonard had been walking for hours. Or so he thought. It all felt like an eternity to him, since he had no sense of time in his body and the scorching hot sun stayed in the sky longer than any planet he'd ever been on. Long ass days meant for an unhappy Leonard. Especially when the sun in the sky meant lots of UV radiation covering his already damaged skin. At least he still had most of his clothing in tact, if his shirt was a bit cut up in several places and his pants were ripped at the knees. He didn't want to think about how bad he looked with all the ash, dirt, and blood smeared all over him.

He scrambled through some thick vines amongst the trees, swatting at a fly that had been following him for the past hour or so. He came across a tiny stream of water flowing over a trail of rocks, and he was able to drink some of it without getting too much mud in his mouth. The cleanliness of the water didn't matter to him much, considering the fact that he was probably going to die soon anyway. There was no point in denying that either.

Eventually he followed the stream to a nice, shaded and dry looking patch of land. It wasn't large, but it was big enough for him to lay down and still feel somewhat protected from the sun. He curled up in the short, dry grass and shut his eyes, feeling exhausted. However as soon as his eyes closed, images of burnt bodies and explosions and fire ran appeared in a swift and horrifying sequence. He opened his eyes abruptly and looked around frantically, feeling the sense of dread. It was then that he realized that he couldn't hear anything. The explosions must have rendered his ears useless. He could only hope that it wouldn't last long.

Leonard was deaf, hungry, shaking, and haunted by the current situation. He was in bad shape, and he could feel his sanity slipping. He was physically and mentally exhausted, but he was afraid of closing his eyes. Even if he ignored the horror show in his mind, he wouldn't be able to hear any threats if they approached. Leonard didn't know if people from the enemy system would come to ensure the lack of survivors. He didn't know if any predators survived. His eyes burned with the threat of more tears. He could be attacked or die any second now. He felt so worthless. So weak. So alone.

\----

Leonard passed out after a few hours of tossing, turning, shaking, and fussing. Even his dreams were haunted with nightmares of the dead, the living, and fire. So much fire... He woke up several times, scrambling all over the ground before realizing that he was NOT engulfed in flames and NOT burning into an ashen mess.

By the time he woke up, Leonard felt like he hadn't gotten a wink of sleep. Leonard sat up, his body sore and pained from the few burns he suffered and from sleeping on the hard scratchy ground. The only good thing was that he seemed to have regained his hearing. He stood up shakily, two moons high in the sky. He stumbled over to the stream and splashed some water on his face to feel a little cleaner, running his fingers through his hair to get rid of the ash and dirt stuck in it. He wasn't going to get anywhere if he still felt like a rejected french fry at the bottom of a burnt, greasy pan.

His stomach rumbled aggressively, so he guessed he ought to travel deeper into the remainder of the forest to find some more food. He could probably kill for a bite to eat. Even if it was just one lousy fruit. Hell he'd probably eat that goddamn fly if it showed up again! A man had to do what a man had to do...

 

Leonard walked around for a while, climbing high and digging low for something edible. He was constantly looking over his shoulder out of his reflexive and growing paranoia. He hated being alone. It freaked him out. On top of his already horrible memories haunting him, being alone reminded him of his drastic split with Jocelyn. She took everything from him. Now it was happening again, only it was so much worse. He gulped down the sadness and blinked away the tears. He had to stay motivated. He had to find food.

The need for food immediately dissipated when he saw a humanoid form in the trees in front of him. They looked dark and ominous, but strangely familiar. They were turned away from him. Maybe they didn't know he was there? He grabbed a large stick and walked up, before the form turned around swiftly.

Leonard dropped the stick. He tackled the man in front of him.

"Sp-Spock!"


	2. Fires Form Coals To Be Sparked Once More

"Sp-Spock!"

Leonard cried out, clinging desperately to the ash-covered Vulcan. His grip was strong and painful as he sobbed against Spock. He wasn't alone. Spock was alive, he was alive, he was alive, he was alive!

"You're alive!" Leonard choked out, refusing to let go even though Spock never hugged him back. He didn't care if he was being overly intimate, nor did he care that Spock wasn't reciprocating. He only cared that Spock was there, living, in his arms. He ran his fingers through Spock's hair, relishing in the feeling, but knew that he could only go so far in a moment like this. He sniffed hard before pulling away and wiping the tears from his face. He could only assume that he looked like a dirty, sniveling old man.

Leonard never thought he'd be so happy to see the guy. Spock's face was emotionless under all the grey and black ash, and Leonard wiped the man's face with the cleanest part of his sleeve. He wanted to see the Vulcan underneath. Needed to see his stoic expressions, because he never thought he'd see his face again. Leonard swallowed hard, wiping away the last tear from his face.

"Are you okay? Are you hurt anywhere? How did you survive? Are you okay? How long have you been here? You're not burnt or anything are you?" Leonard battered Spock with questions immediately, already in fussy doctor mode.

"I cannot hear anything. However, I am able to read your lips. I am, fortunately, physically unhurt." Spock answered quietly, remaining stiff under Leonard's harsh grooming. Leonard released him, growing soft on the man instantly. He knew how horrifying it was to be deaf and alone in this place, especially since it was pretty dark. The only light was the sun's reflection on the two large moons, but it still wasn't enough to see too clearly- even with super Vulcan sight.

Leonard nodded and gestured vaguely with his hands, mimicking opening a communicator. "Communicator?" He asked, but Spock shook his head. "Tricorder?"

Another head shake.

Leonard sighed, minorly disappointed before saying without any gestures, "I'm happy you're here."

Spock nodded once, and Leonard smiled.

"Other survivors?" Spock asked, his lack of hearing causing him to talk almost too quiet to hear. Leonard guessed it was better than the alternative, where most people would scream each word they said.

"No. Only us." He replied, and Spock nodded, his expression remaining unchanged. Leonard tried not to think that Spock didn't care, but it was difficult when the man didn't show any emotion. "Have you found food? Water?" He asked, and Spock held up a blue apple-looking fruit that Leonard didn't notice he was holding. He pointed to the tree above them, which had several of the same fruits on it.

They worked together on getting several fruits each before Leonard led them to the stream for some water. They sat and ate in silence, Leonard staring off into space and trying not to think about the nightmare they were in. He caught himself staring at Spock several times, but he wrote it off as simply being glad that Spock was there with him. That he was alive and well- other than being deaf. Leonard hoped for both their sakes that the loss of hearing was only temporary like it had been for him, although Vulcans had much more sensitive hearing. It may last a while if not forever if it didn't get medical attention. And the chance of that was... non-existent.

 

\------

 

Together, Leonard and Spock created a makeshift shelter out of branches and sticks, with soft moss covering the floor for a sleeping area. and Spock was even handy enough to create a fire when it got really cold. And boy did it get cold- and very, very dark. Not only could Leonard not play charades in the dark, Spock couldn't read his lips. That led to one-sided conversations where Spock did all the talking, but the damn hobgoblin was not very talkative.

It might have worked if Leonard was in the light of the fire, but he refused to get within a meter of it. Whenever he looked at it he felt pissed off and sad and had all kinds of horrific images flash through his mind. He didn't want to deal with that, so he sat far enough to feel the subtle heat without getting freaked out. He didn't even want to look at it. Spock sat closer to it, though, sitting cross-legged and meditating.

They sat like this for a few hours until the fire almost died, and Spock had to give it some more sticks and branches before it went out completely. Despite Leonard's hate for the flame, he was grateful for the warmth and the light, and he'd be disappointed if it was taken away from him.

When Spock finished with the fire he laid down inside the shelter. Leonard wondered if he had slept at all since they arrived on the planet. Vulcans didn't need sleep as much or as often as humans, but Spock's mixed physiology caused a minor exception. Sure he didn't need sleep as often as a human, but he could only go about three or four days without sleeping before his body stopped functioning.

The night seemed as long (if not longer) as the day, as the moons seemed to stay in one place forever before moving an inch. Leonard hoped it wouldn't get much colder. He managed to make himself keep the fire alive while Spock slept, since the damn hobgoblin needed the warmth even more than Leonard did.

 

After a long while, Spock awoke with a start and grabbed at Leonard's arm. "Is there something near?" He asked, louder than usual, clearly waking up from a nightmare. Leonard shook his head and pat Spock's arm to reassure him. The man seemed convinced, and he looked momentarily displeased with himself before going back to sleep. So maybe Spock WAS affected by all of this. Maybe he did have emotions. Maybe it was his dad, Sarek, that made him stop showing his emotions during his waking hours. Leonard sighed. He wished that Spock knew that it was okay for him to be emotional sometimes. That it was okay to cry, to yell, to smile, to laugh... He thought of Spock laughing, and it brought him a great deal of peace for a while. He breathed deeply, smelling the deep musky smell of the forest.

 

Spock woke up again a few minutes later. He was calmer this time, but he still grabbed Leonard's wrist and refused to let go. Leonard sighed, feeling bad, and laid down next to Spock while patting his arm again.

He really had no idea how to comfort him if all he could do was pat the man's arm. Spock looked into his eyes for a while before going back to sleep. Leonard could have sworn that he'd heard him say "thank you" before falling into a steady sleep, but it could have been his imagination.

Despite the much-welcomed companionship, Leonard still felt like he was going insane. Sometimes he thought he heard Nurse Chapel's voice; he could picture her in the sickbay, humming to herself. He could see her writing something down and organizing equipment, before suddenly he heard her screaming, and everything was engulfed in an explosion of flames.

Leonard snapped his eyes open, looking around rapidly. When did he shut his eyes? How long had he been thinking about Christine? When was this night going to end so he could be stop being shrouded in darkness?!

He rolled over to face Spock, concentrating on the man's striking features. Pointed ears, upswept eyebrows, slightly chapped lips parted from sleeping... Leonard was playing a dangerous game. On one hand, Spock distracted him completely from every single bad thing happening in the world. On the other hand, Spock was his very male, very Vulcan, very stranded friend on a desolate planet that contained hundreds if not thousands of very dead, very burnt people.

God, he could still hear the screaming...

Leonard allowed himself to focus on Spock again. He'd just look. If it distracted him from thinking about recent disasters, then who cared if he just looked at the man? He didn't know why he found Spock so comforting. The man was always so cold and stoic and had the personality of a gothic doorknob. Gothic because of his dark, but appealing and aesthetic nature. Doorknob because he's not very impressionable, he's there when you need him, and he can be a royal pain sometimes.

He really needed to stop comparing a living man to a doorknob. This very living, very handsome, very present man. Leonard was so happy that Spock was alive. He got jittery just thinking about it. He sighed deeply, calming himself down, and waited patiently for sleep to overcome him.

\------

 

"IS ANYBODY OUT HERE?!" Leonard jolted awake when he heard a man's voice shouting in the distance. It was bright now, the fire was out, and everything was dry. He went to go shake Spock awake before realizing before that he was spooning the Vulcan. His face went hot, but then he remembered: THERE WAS SOMEBODY OUT THERE!!!

"Spock!" Leonard exclaimed, sitting up and grabbing Spock's arm. The man barely woke up before Leonard pulled him to his feet.

"What are you-" Spock tried asking, but Leonard shushed him. He heard more shouting, only farther away.

"Read my lips, Spock. There's someone else here!" Leonard said with a grin, and Spock's face visibly brightened before they both took off running in the direction of the voice.

"IS THERE ANYONE OUT HERE?! COME OUT NOW!" Leonard grabbed Spock's arm excitedly as they ran. It was Jim! It was Jim's voice! As clear as day and as bright as the sun, Jim's voice rung out into the air.

"JIM!" Leonard shouted, sprinting harder. Jim came into view, clean and smiling and in his bright golden shirt, and Leonard didn't slow down when he tackled his best friend into a hug. "Jim! How in the hell did you find us?! How did you know we were alive?!"

"I... I just felt it in my gut, Bones. Spock! Come here!" Jim exclaimed into his shoulder, but Leonard pulled back, his face a bit more serious (but still unbelievably happy).

"The explosions rendered him deaf. He needs medical attention right away. Can we get out of here? Please?!" He begged, and Jim smiled brightly, even though Leonard could detect the sadness behind it.

"Of course." Jim whipped out his communicator and said, "Kirk to Enterprise! Three to beam up!"

Leonard ignored the sickening feeling of being transported, but when he saw the ship materialize around him, he couldn't stop the smile from breaking through. He was back. He was home. They were home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprisingly, things only get darker from here. And fluffier. Confusing emotions shall ensue!


	3. Inner Struggles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!!!!  
> Leonard has a panic attack. For those that don't want to read that, I've marked the beginning with "*****", and at the end of it there is "*****". I'll tell a little summary in the end notes about what kind of happens during it so you aren't left in the dark. :)  
> on that note HAPPY READING!

Spock tolerated Jim's clinging. He tolerated the tearful rejoining with the rest of the crew, their hugs, and their loud emotions. Even after he had showered and had opted for sleep, Jim, Nyota, and Sulu came to his quarters; they had even brought McCoy along with them. Spock knew that McCoy had been brought there against his will simply because he had looked so unhappy to be there. Spock tolerated everyone's intrusion in his quarters, and he did not tell them to leave.

They did not come for a game, they did not come for a meal or drinks, nor did they come to sit. Everyone stood in the living room, talking amongst themselves. Spock tolerated this, even though there was absolutely no point in everybody being there, in his space, against his permission, after he had explicitly expressed his desire to be absolutely and completely alone. He could not even hear their conversations, given his lingering deafness.

What he could not tolerate, though, was one guest in particular: McCoy. Whenever he looked at the man he was filled with emotion- feelings of anger, sadness, sympathy... affection. He could not suppress such feelings of regard for the good doctor after what they had been through on that planet. He could not deny that seeing McCoy in the forest, alive, intact, and so suddenly in his arms... he could not deny that it filled him with great joy and relief. When before he had only seen the doctor and felt caring, irritating, and amusing feelings for him, the new addition of affection was widely troublesome. Therefore, Spock could NOT tolerate the man in his presence, brooding in the corner and looking like the 'world was gonna end' (as Jim would say).

Spock pretended like he didn't know Jim was talking to him- which was viable, since he was still unable to hear anything-, and walked towards McCoy. The doctor saw him approaching, however, and left out the door before he could say a word. Close enough to touch and then gone in an instant. That was it.

That was the end of Spock's tolerance. He turned to face the crowd and announced (as best he could whilst not being able to hear himself talk), "While I appreciate your concern for my wellbeing, I would appreciate it if I was left alone so that I may rest." They looked offended for a short while before filing out. That's what Spock didn't understand about humans sometimes; they became offended even when they were the offenders. They were the ones who appeared, unasked and without consent.

Left on his own, Spock lighted some incense and set down a mat. He meditated for hours, concentrating on building up walls where his affection for McCoy lay.

\---

Leonard didn't sleep. Sleep flew out the window as soon as they got off the planet. Now that they were up in space, safe and taken care of, he felt even worse than when he had been planetside when the explosions were happening. Why did he get to be there while he had friends, dead, down there? Why did the universe have to decide that Leonard was the one who lived among all of them? All those children. All those who were GOING somewhere in life. He talked to the people down there. There were kids that wanted to be public service workers, doctors, nurses, military officers, engineers, and even chefs for gods sake! They all had their whole damn lives ahead of them!

But there he was. The old country doctor that didn't want to be there in the first place. He didn't want to be alive anymore.

Did he?

He shook his head, getting out of bed and walking to his old bookshelf. He didn't have time to be depressed and self-pitying. He was a doctor. If he couldn't sleep, he would further his knowledge on the world around him. And by that, he meant that he needed a distraction. Good thing he had some good old literature around to keep him company.

\--

When he woke up, Leonard was on a biobed. He didn't remember how he got there. Part of him didn't care. He got up and trudged over to his office, feeling like he hadn't slept in years. Maybe it was true. He barely had time to sit down before M'Benga was on his arm, pulling him up and back over to a biobed.

"Now I know you may be confused, Leonard, but I need you to-"

"Yeah and I need YOU to get the hell off of me. I ain't some damn patient, and I ain't confused. I'm in sickbay, it's the 5th of-"

"Not that kind of confused." M'Benga shushed him, trying to push Leonard down onto the bed. "Aren't you wondering why you're here?"

"I don't really give a shit about how I got here. Can I just do my goddamn job?" Leonard slapped M'Benga's hands away, pissed off.

"Not until I make sure you're mentally prepared to do so. And you can't go to work like this." M'Benga told him, sitting him down on the biobed.

"Like what, huh? What're you trying to say?" Leonard asked, but M'Benga remained unperturbed.

"You're in your underwear and you're hallucinating." He remarked, and Leonard looked down at himself. So he was mostly naked. But why? He could've sworn he was in uniform a few moments ago.

"I'm not hallucinating; nothing looks off." He looked around, seeing Nurse Chapel standing a ways away, and the sickbay looking pristine (like always). "Christine is there, and..." His words caught in his throat. "And she's... She's dead. You're dead!"  
*****

"Leonard, I need you to calm down. You're starting to have a panic atta-"

"Good god man! Don't you see her?!" Leonard pointed at her, but she wasn't there anymore. He looked around rapidly, standing up. "She's gone. She was just there, but she's gone. I could have kept her here!" M'Benga tried getting him back on the bed. "I COULD HAVE FUCKING SAVED HER!!" Leonard screamed at M'Benga, pushing him back. He tried to run to where Chapel was, but he ran hard into something.

When he opened his eyes, he was facing a wall. He turned around, finding himself in his room. How did he get there?! He was JUST IN SICKBAY.

Leonard fell to his knees, shaking. M'Benga tried talking to him, but he covered his ears. He didn't want to listen. He didn't want to be there. He wanted things to be okay. He shut his eyes tight. He felt dizzy. He couldn't control his breathing. He was hyperventilating, and he knew it. Which is why he didn't slap M'Benga's hand away when he hypoed him into sedation.

*****  
M'Benga helped him to his feet before laying him down onto his bed. He could hear the man talking, and see his face, but his voice seemed so far away.

"-ot be here when you wake up... try to be okay about... ake these pills when you... check on Spock after..."

"Spock...?" Leonard mumbled, his eyelids feeling heavy. "Spock....."

\-------

Leonard woke up feeling heavy and gross. He peeled himself off his bed, and shivered from his cold sweat. He looked over to his bedside table, noticing the note with a bottle of pills and a glass of water. He grabbed the note.

"Take one when you wake up, then go get some food. Make sure you look at what time it is so you aren't disoriented.  
-M'Benga, Jabilo Geoffrey"

Leonard tried not to wonder why M'Benga listed his first, middle, AND last name on the note. He took the medication and trudged over to the bathroom to shower. It was 21:34. Nighttime. At least the mess hall would be pretty empty by this time. The people on shift now would've already eaten.

Leonard stripped off his sheets to be washed before going out to eat. He felt really awake, even though the evening was just beginning. It would be difficult to get his sleep schedule back to normal now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> During Leonard's episode: he pretty much yells about how he could have saved Christine, and then he realizes that he was in his room because he was hallucinating being in sickbay, and M'Benga sedates him. That's it!
> 
> Promise next chapter will have some actual floof


	4. Help me and I'll help you

The knock on his door woke Leonard up. It wasn't a chime, but a knock. People usually only reserved knocking for something intimate. Jim would knock rapidly on his door all the time. Who could it be now?

He looked over at the clock. He'd gotten about an hour of sleep. It had better be important... He dragged himself out of bed and went to the door, dressed only in Starfleet boxer briefs like he usually was when he slept. The door opened to reveal Spock's face.

Good god the man looked awful. Bags under his eyes, an even paler complexion than usual, and his posture was even worse than Leonard's. He let him inside, asking "Whatcha need, Spock?"

"I have been unable to sleep as of late." Spock said, looking around the room. Leonard tried not to feel uncomfortable under the man's gaze.

"'As of late'? How many nights have you gone without sleeping?" He asked, stepping closer to him.

"Five." Spock spoke quietly, looking down at the floor.

"Why in the hell haven't you gone to get any-"

"I have tried using medicine to force my body into sleep." Spock said, and Leonard wondered about the strange wording. "It did not work, since my mind was too... active." Leonard eyed him. He really must have been in bad shape. He was still in sleeping clothes. And barefoot! Spock never exited his quarters without shoes on- even in emergencies.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Leonard asked, sitting on his bed and patting the spot next to him. Spock sat there tentatively. "Talkin' does help, even though I ain't no psychiatrist."

"The intention was that I would come here so that we might discuss the happenings of the interplanetary war. However..." Spock hesitated, looking at his open hands like they were abominations to him.

"You know it probably won't be any use?" Leonard supplied, and Spock nodded. "Yeah. I know. From my knowledge, it's better to talk about how you FEEL about what happened. Not the actual event. Because if you go on in your life without deciding how you feel, then those mixed emotions are gonna haunt you, and you'll never make any progress. And know that... if anyone on this ship is gonna understand... it's gonna be me."

"That is part of the reason why I came to you." Spock replied, and Leonard raised a brow.

"Part? What other reason could you have?" He asked, but Spock's somber expression didn't change.

"When I attempt to sleep at night... I am afraid." He said very quietly, and Leonard had to strain to hear him. He didn't point out the fact that he didn't answer his question.

"Afraid of what? I know that whenever I close my eyes, I still see fire. But M'Benga gave me some meds that help with... everything." Leonard explained, hoping his honesty would help Spock to open up.

"I am selfish."

"Afraid of being selfish?"

"No. It is a fact: I am selfish. My fear only affects myself." Spock never looked away from his hands.

"You're probably one of the most selfless people I know, ya damn hobgoblin." Leonard laughed lightheartedly while elbowing the man in the arm. "You've risked your life time and time again for the people of this ship. It's okay if your fears only concern yourself; there's nothing you can do for those people now. There's nothing you could have done. It was out of any of our control. Feeling bad about yourself is probably the most productive thing you can do right now- because that's how you can improve."

"... I had thought before that you were more of an emotionally detached man."

"Yeah, ditto." Leonard grumbled. "So really, what're you afraid of?"

"I am afraid… of being alone. I do not know how to conquer this emotion." Spock said quietly, refusing to look at Leonard. "The first night on the planet, I was completely alone. I knew not if I would survive to see another living being. I sacrifice myself for others because I know that if I die for them, then I will never be alone. However, if I am alone, then there is no point to my life. Vulcans live to innovate, invent, and thus share that knowledge and discovery with those around them. I know that if I cannot share my knowledge with others, then I am simply without purpose."

"So... You feel like when you're on your own, you're useless. But I know that whenever you're at a social event, all you ever wanna do is get outta there." Leonard thought aloud, trying to figure this guy out.

"I did not know before how vital the company of others was to me. However, now that I have faced the prospect of eternal loneliness, I am having a... difficult time coping with that realization." Spock explained, and Leonard could see the very subtle expressions warring on the man's face. "Despite my dislike of the trivialities of social occasions, I find myself often wishing for the company of another. It is illogical."

"Damn it Spock, the world doesn't have to be split up black and white like you Vulcans always say. No offense." Leonard told him, shaking his finger at the Vulcan. "Things don't have to either be logical or illogical. Some things just... are. And you know, social occasions and being alone are also opposites. Sometimes just being in the presence of someone else helps. You are allowed to settle with the grey area of things, and there's nothing wrong with that."

Spock was silent after this, and they sat there for a few moments. Leonard tried to think of more things to say, but his thoughts kept wandering. He might have been full of great advice (that he may or may not have just pulled out of his ass, since he's never really talked about feelings before), but he was still haunted inside. Sure M'Benga had him on some pretty hard pills that made it so that he wasn't hallucinating, wanting to die, or having brutal nightmares, but it didn't stop the bad thoughts from coming.

When Leonard yawned, Spock asked quietly, "May I stay here tonight?" Leonard blinked at him for a few moments. Stay the night? In his quarters? He'd probably be sweating at the thought if he didn't feel so cold. Maybe company would be good? He felt lonely too, sometimes. If he had a nightmare, Spock'd be there to remind him that he wasn't insane. Plus, part of him- the deeper, soulful, affectionate- wanted Spock to be with him throughout every living moment.

"Sure. We can share the bed if you want." Leonard decided, and Spock met his eyes for the first time. He added quickly, "I mean, we've already slept in close proximity to each other, and I know neither of us wants the floor." Spock nodded, and they both got into bed.

Leonard's heart raced and he felt incredibly nervous. How could he not? His feelings for Spock were confusing. It was difficult not to stare at the man. Difficult not to touch him. He rubbed his hands over his face, got into a comfortable sleeping position, and closed his eyes. Spock was behind his back, no doubt doing the same. They were mere inches from each other.

\---

When Leonard opened his eyes, he underwent a sinking feeling in his gut. Blood drained from his face. Everything was dark. He was blind. The fire blinded him. He was stuck under the abyss of dead bodies piled above him. He was in a cave of burnt corpses. He was sweating from the heat.

This was his fate. This was how he was going to die. Stuck under the bodies of his friends. He could see their faces. Christine... Scotty... people he'd known and loved. Tears started falling.

When he started crying, a hand wrapped around his arm, and he freaked out. Was someone still alive? A half-burnt crisp of a person? "Get away from me!" He yelled, panicking, shoving the dark form away from him.

Everything was suddenly on fire, and the form came closer to him, saying words he didn't understand. Leonard punched at it, but it pinned him against the bed.

"Leonard." It spoke gently, and Leonard recognized the voice. It called out to him through the darkness. "I am here."

"Spock?"

"Yes. I am here." Spock said again, and Leonard blinked as his surroundings started clearing up around him. The dark form was Spock, he was in his quarters, and he presumed that he started seeing fire when the lights came on.

"I... I need better meds..." He croaked out, looking up at Spock, who was straddling him. "Sorry." He said, and Spock climbed off of him, fixing the tousled blankets in the process.

"Do not apologize. Perhaps the solution is not to take more medicine, but to conquer your current fears." Spock said, and Leonard laughed darkly, wiping the tears from his face.

"The tables seem to have turned." He said lightly, stifling a yawn.

"Tables?" Spock asked, and Leonard rolled his eyes.

"It means that our positions switched. Earlier I was giving you advice, but now you're the one helping me. I thought I was the wise one here." He joked, trying to turn the attention away from how weak he was in that moment.

"I am feeling better... now that I am with you." Spock said, looking up at the ceiling. "I am no longer alone. However, you now have psychological issues to deal with."

"Gee thanks, guess I am goin' crazy after all." He grumbled, glaring at the ceiling.

"You are not mentally insane. However I believe that it will take time for you to recover. It is important to know that the goal is in sight. You will recover, and with your stubborn personality, I expect that the odds of-"

"Spock. Can I go back to sleep now?" Leonard cut in, closing his tired eyes.

"... Yes." Spock replied, and Leonard wasted no time in falling back into a nice slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tad ooc in my opinion, but they ARE a little "off" right now due to everything that's happened. I believe that any behavior that isn't themselves has merit right now.
> 
> Y'all like vulnerable Spock, or protective and helpful Spock? What about with Leonard? Everyone has their own opinions. I personally love vulnerable Spock for some reason.
> 
> Kudos, comment, and/or bookmark if y'all likey. :)


	5. Leonard's dead

Leonard knew he was losing it. He knew it as well as he knew each artery in every species allied with the Federation. Even so, he couldn't stop thinking that maybe... just MAYBE... he was sitting there with his Scottish buddy, like old times. That Scotty was actually rambling on like usual about some engineering nonsense that Leonard didn't even understand. Sometimes Christine would be there too, on Leonard's arm, gushing about some thing that he never quite understood. Really, he never understood either of them.

Maybe that's why they died. Maybe that's how he killed them. Maybe he didn't even know them. Did he bother to know them? After all that time with them, talking and eating and drinking, did he really make an effort? Leonard didn't deserve to be alive. Was he being punished? No, he knew the universe didn't quite work like that. But despite how eager he was to blame others for what happened, he couldn't stop blaming himself.

"Breathe." Spock's voice was always there. From the moment Leonard awoke to the moment he faded into unconsciousness. One time, in the shower, Leonard hallucinated that Spock was there with him. Naked. On his knees before him.

Leonard tried not to look into that too much. After all, he felt like he was going crazy. He was supposed to be weening himself off the meds, but M'Benga only gave him stronger ones.

"Listen to me." Spock's voice interrupted his thoughts again. Finally his eyes allowed him to see. He blinked before his room no longer appeared blurry. The room was spinning still. He felt nauseous. Spock held a pill out to him. "Taking medication for your illness will not make you weak. It will make you sane. Please, Leonard."

Was Spock begging him? A Vulcan? Leonard looked into Spock's eyes. They looked... concerned. Or maybe he was hallucinating this. It's possible Spock wasn't even there. Or that Leonard wasn't even in his room. If it was a hallucination, then it wouldn't matter if he took the pill. It wouldn't make any difference.

Convinced, he swallowed it down with some water. Immediately he fell back onto his bed.

-

Spock had been, for the most part, Leonard's caretaker over the past couple of weeks. During his free time, he made sure that the man ate, drank, bathed, and did all of the things that humans needed to be healthy. They even talked sometimes, when Leonard was feeling better... Sometimes he would think that Spock was Mr. Scott. Spock wouldn't admit to anyone that it saddened him.

When Spock couldn't be around, since being a First Officer of a Federation flagship was busy work, a nurse or a yeoman would come and tend to Leonard. Sometimes security officers had to be called. Leonard seemed to act hostile towards many people, but never to Spock.

Spock could no longer deny himself the knowledge that he had a very strong affection growing for Leonard. He did not know why or how these feelings grew so swiftly- he only knew that they existed, and that they were strong. Therefore, he was not bothered when he needed to care for Leonard.

Spock encouraged him to take the stronger medication that M'Benga had only recently prescribed, and Leonard then fell unconscious. Hopefully this medicine would be more effective than the others.

\-----

Leonard slept for five days. Spock woke him up to feed him and give him his medicine every day. After the fifth day, M'Benga moved him to Sickbay. Spock was beginning to worry, but he attempted to meditate that emotion away.

Then Leonard didn't wake up for another week. Spock could not bring himself to eat or sleep for four of those days. He could not bring himself to leave Leonard's place in Sickbay. Jim even let him stay there the whole time.

After two weeks, M'Benga reported to Spock. "I have no idea why he's not waking up, if I'm being honest with you, Spock. Before, I had assumed that it was just a normal side-effect to the medication I prescribed him. But that should have worn off by now." M'Benga told him. Spock was about to question the doctor's presence then, if M'Benga hadn't continued. "However, if you take a look at these brain scans, you'll see a lot of activity in certain areas. GOOD activity. I think his brain might actually be healing itself."

Spock looked at the scans. Indeed, there was an undeniably impressive amount of activity happening in Leonard's brain. He looked over at the unconscious man on the biobed. Maybe he was healing.

But would he ever wake up?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter. Been busy. Hope you like!
> 
> Kudos? Comment? I'll love you forever if you do!


	6. Planting Flowers to End Lives

Leonard was lost. He was in a strange place, but every part of it seemed familiar. He was standing in a field, and when he turned around, he was standing in a village bustling with people. Scotty approached him. "Everyone here seems so friendly. It's a nice place, don't you think?" Scotty said to him.

"Yeah, I suppose so." Leonard replied. "Where are we again?"

"You know where we are." Christine said, appearing suddenly. "This is where we died."

At that moment, their surroundings caught on fire, people dropped to the ground, and smoke hung in the air. "Well, this is actually your mind. Your imagination. But aye, this is where it happened." Scotty said. It was just the three of them, the only living beings on the dead planet.

"This is my mind?" Leonard replied, not understanding.

"Yes. You're asleep." Christine said, smiling at him.

"You guys are... you're..." Leonard fell silent.

"Go ahead, say it." Christine demanded.

"You're dead." Leonard said quietly.

"Aye, we are dead." Scotty said. "And the only reason we died is because of the surprise attack."

"Nothing could have been done." Christine added. "After all, you're just an old country doctor." She smiled at him.

"But-"

"There are no but's, Leonard." Christine interrupted him. "This was our fate. Don't make it about you."

"It's not worth it, laddie." Scotty added.

"You're better than this." Christine said.

"You cannae blame yourself forever."

"You know psychiatry, and you know how the brain works. You know that this is eccentric."

"Stop." Leonard held out his hand. "Just stop and let me think about this."

Leonard walked past them and into the field of corpses. He stopped, looking at all of them.

"In our culture, we plant white flowers where the dead lay." A woman appeared beside him. "Do you remember me? We talked for a while when you asked me questions about our customs. You're a very kind man." Slowly, Leonard recognized her.

"I remember." He replied quietly.

"Good. Now, practice what I have taught you." She said, then disappeared.

Leonard felt something in his hand. It was a sack. When he looked inside, he saw a bunch of seeds. Finally he understood.

He took a handful of seeds and began tossing them out, and suddenly white flowers covered the entire ground around him.

He was alone. There were no corpses. No apparitions. No ghosts. Just a field of beautiful flowers.

"The Circle of Life, as I believe humans refer to it as." Spock appeared beside him, looking out at their surroundings. "The idea that everything comes to an end, but all endings leave the possibility for new beginnings. All things that die make room for the creation of things that are even more beautiful."

"How poetic." Leonard rolled his eyes.

"Am I incorrect?" Spock asked, turning towards him. "Look at what you have created. You brought beauty and meaning to those that have died here. You created something new, so that they may finally enjoy their endings. They can rest."

"They won't visit me anymore?" Leonard asked, looking at Spock.

"No. You have given them peace. Just as you have given yourself peace." Spock answered, and held out his hand. "Will you trust me?"

"Trust you to do what?" Leonard asked, glancing down at the man's hand.

"Trust me to bring you from here, back to where we are. You are greatly missed." Spock said, stepping closer to him. "Trust me."

Leonard took his hand firmly.

When he opened his eyes, he was in Sickbay, with Spock standing over him, clutching his hand.


End file.
